we dont always need new things you know. reuse.recycle.upcycle.passon.refinish

sometimes the best things are those you cant buy.

this is just a test by the way

Monday. tuesday. weds

its actually thursday now.

time has flown once again.

I am learning to wrangle it.  I seem to know all the answers in my head from my studies of this life.

yet i fall back on the simple mind numb.

mind dumb.

used to be a smart chum.

trying to get passed the fear. set high gear.

dont know how to drive stick.

i try to keep my head up high.

i get too high.

i slip down to the middle.

where all the normal folk live.

and pretend I am better.

for what.

i dunno.

i’m really not.

and theres nothing wrong with that.

there is nothing wrong with that.

Wow. It flies by faster then a speeding train. How bout a high speed train.
This world is a weird strange trip.
Trying to access my hard drive which seems to format its self whenever it feels leaving random fragments of information, known as memory.
Im talking about my brain yo.
Sometimes I wished for an upgrade.
But that is where I have been wrong.
You have to be greatful yo.
I feel like jesse from Breaking bad yo.
HAHA.
It’s not that serious.

So it goes…

I turned 33 years old yesterday and alot of thoughts and emotions have been swarming my mind recently.

It is as if the older we get the more sensitive we become.

I remember being a young 18 year old boy with no end in sight.

No fear.

No worries.

Nothing holding me back.

It was a time which is unreplacable, and really can never go back.

I know too much now.

I have never been a religious man, but definately spititually questioned.

I do not know what happens when we leave this earth, or if we leave this earth.

And sometimes those questions really can leave a hole inside.

With that said, I have been commited to a life of passion, travel, knowledge, love and art.

I am watching my family grow from a distance, and as hard as that is sometimes, I am very

fortunate for the technology that can make that distance seem within hands reach. Yet sometimes that

same technology can also make it seem so much further.  Catch 22 I guess. Wouldn’t replace it.

We are all at a really interesting time in which we interact deeply with technology in our lives.

And me being a photographer I have seen some extreme changes in the last 15 years of pursuing this dream.

Which brings me back to the reason why I started writing this in the first place.

I have a collection of hundreds of thousands of images, videos, audio snippits and soforth.

As do many.

I have taken pictures of almost everything with my handy iphone.  Most of these images sit unpublished,

uncherished, unseen…

I wanted to change that.

This is a short film.

Hopefully to inspire more to do the same.

To go back in time and enjoy those captured moments and find ways to keep them alive and seen.

Rediscover.  Most of us have a treasure chest just waiting for a burst of creativity.

So it goes…

Life 2.0

There were many dark nights, I stayed awake.

Pluggin away with no end in sight.

I would be experimenting with images and moving images just to see what I could do.

I had plenty of time to do so.

I was lonely.

It was my escape.

I never shared.

My heart was unwhole.

I don’t ever want to be lonely again.

Looking back that was a long time ago.

I don’t remember it much anymore.

I didnt take selfies of these moments.

I met her.

Lets say re-met.

I always used to look at her, she was a magnet to my eye.

She never knew that while it was happening.

I was shy. Always have been.

But that night we re-met I was bold.

I had to be… I was in a place where things weren’t going to change themselves.

I made a move.

She was shy.

She was very pretty and shy.

Now I had to create the conversation, and now I can’t shut her up…  just kidding

I love her voice. And her laugh. And her smile and yea yea yea the list goes on.

She has inspired and shifted my life to where I am now. And I love her for that.

Her name is ilona and she is my wife who I can’t keep up with.

She hustles like no one I have ever seen.  I am trying and keep progressing and wish that

drive and motivation came so naturally seemless for me, but we all have to be different and

have our own quirks. Life wouldn’t be fun if we were all the same.

This is not about just my wife.  I could make a film just about her, maybe one day, but it is about

a collection of memories shared between me, family, friends and sometimes strangers.  Most members

of the karass.

So it goes…

Those firsts.

Those firsts memories.

Building and creating.

Loving and living.

Funny and hilarious.

Sometimes sad.

Sometimes dark.

Sometimes mysterious.

That food tho…

Those drinks tho…

those moments after those drinks tho.

those people you cant take pictures of anymore

is magical.

Can’t wait to share more… almost 10 years later but better then never.

i don’t know what it is about life that makes it so special

its definitely not just one thing

being a creature who lives to capture these special moments

i figured it was time to make some sense of it,

or at least try

I am getting old.

we are all getting old

everything seems to effect me so much more,

whether it is happiness or sadness.

i am effected.

i feel like i went most my life being unaffected

just going with the flow.

and even though i may still be going with the flow.

i am effected.

recently i took on a journey to clean.

clean my mind.

clean my soul

clean my rooms.

clean my unnecessary possessions

clean my computer.

in this process of cleaning.

i stumbled upon an something special.

hard drives, full of pictures, videos and audio

unsorted, sprawled upon duplicates and triples

a huge huge mess of 15 years of digital data.

not to mention the hundreds of old picture and videos needed to be scanned

i knew it was there.

and i knew it was a mess.

and i knew it was time for me to clean it.

and what a perfect time it was.

since i am effected.

i relook at 100s of thousands of pictures i have taken

they were just a picture before.

i see so much more to them now.

they touch my heart.

they make me feel.

they allow me to remember with a mind that easily forgets.

they make me understand how simple sweet and wonderful it is to be alive.

and i invited you here tonight to remember that fact.

i invited you specifically you. because you are part of my carass as kurt vonnegut would put it

me and fish built this theatre to inspire, and i made this video

to effect. you.

don’t forget to live in the moment,

to smile

and cry when necessary.

because life is good.  and this moment right now

and right now   and even right now      is something so special and I’m glad you

got to be a part of it. Dont forget to create, we a are creatures who need to express ourselves.

don’t get caught up working to live.

find a way to enjoy it while we are in it.

because life is good.

thanks for being a part of my life.

…

life is good.

don’t forget it.

i can’t help but let my fingers roam away.   my mind doesn’t want to stop tonight, there is a little pot left downstairs on the table, but i can’t bring myself to go get it.  i have to piss too, have for a while but still no motivation.  somethings gotta change.  it seems to be getting worse.  the days get shorter and the time flies when you think you have it, and when you don’t have it and your working or something like that you really start to think of all the things you would love to get done, but by time you get home and and have free time those things rarely get done.  so what has to change to make this different? to live a more maximized life, a life of comfort and pleasure in the simple duties of staying clean and organized.  i seem to get sucked into my own little world and let things dwell inside my head and find ways of escaping the reality that i am a grown ass man who needs to start saving for a future if i ever want to have kids.  its hard tho, I’m so used to living the easy life, and as much as everything else sounds appealing. it doesn’t make me go full force yet.  but I’m on my way. little by little. my fingers are starting to stop, whig is a good thing i guess, i thought i was going to be ranting for much longer, but i guess i just had a little on my mind.  ilona is sleeping. it was a weird night. i can’t sleep and my head hurts probably from dehydration.  hmm… i guess i should go drink some water.

It was like nothing I have ever experienced.

There was a mysterious feeling of unknown lurking with half a book of knowledge,

a bunch of good unused gear & the fact hat we were entering a zone of unfamiliar surroundings.

Not just entering a zone of unfamiliar but actually submersing ourselves in a world away from all that we know.

Leaving comfort behind, our vacation landed us in that world of thousands of living species engulfing

our every step. Strange noises, insects, piercing vines, endless streams, light beams, tremendous thunder, raw

smokey air & BEARS!

We were not in our element. & that is everything we wanted. I could finally breath! It was as if

my nose opened up because it recognized the wonderful scent of life at its finest. The journey begins.

You never realize the strength of your body & mind until you push it further then you can imagine.

& thats what we did.

In the 28 years of my life I have never pushed so hard. I didn’t even know I could.

It lit a fire under my ass! But back to the adventure.

We arrived at Clingman’s Dome; the highest peak at the Smoky Mountains National Park on Tues July 18, 2011

We arrived at noon. It’s an extremely large parking lot packed  with tourists that are going to take a .5 mile hike to the top to view the Smoky’s from a man made structure that is like a large ramp. We decided to by pass the attraction as we will view it on our way back from the 25 mile loop. So we strap our bags on lace our boots up and hit the trail.

Our bags were packed with enough weight to strain  our minds for the first hour or so. Its weird how you get used to it.  Starting off on the appalachian trail we have about 6 miles to hike our first night to camp. & that’s what we do.  We hike & hike & hike. Both of us in awe & excitement that we were finally doing it. Backpacking together alone.  We pass by 3 different couples on our hike out the first day. finally making it to camp, a sense of relief hits as our feet  are already feeling he weight, our shoulders are bruising & we are getting hungry. We pick a spot, set up our tent, & go to the stream to get water for the first time. Having purchased a little microfilter pump this was the first time I had to collect my own water from natures natural resources to survive. & it deeply made me happy inside.

We boiled some water to fill our bag of food to eat.  Smiled & enjoyed life. We were too tired to set up a fire, so we headed to bed for a much needed night of sleep.  About halfway in dream mode I realized quickly it wasn’t going to be my normal night of sleep. Being used to a large pillow top queen mattress in our small bedroom in Chicago,  we were already feeling the difference. We packed all of our clothes in our sleeping-bag holders. Laying on our thin yoga mats, on  solid ground with many pretruding pieces of earth to make it anything but flat. If thats not enough to make sleeping difficult lets throw in a heavy rain storm a three in the morning, & being our first time we didn’t have everything ready for the rain. So we had to wake up to secure all our gear before it got more wet. & if the endless rain isn’t hard enough in a little tent, lets throw in the random growls & noises from some of the 1500 Black Bears in the park. Their large stomachs allow  them to create a deeply impactful bassy noise that is not perceivable more so experienced first hand. Believe me. I have seen movies, hearing them live defenseless & blind from the inside of the tent in the pitch black of he night can take some time to get used too!

All in all going to sleep with all these “distractions” was something you can not prepare your mind for.

We awoke to the sun & more rain & stayed in our tent till it was just the drops falling from the leaves of the hightrees above.

We have about 6 to 7 miles to hike today & a bunch of wet dirty gear to deal with before we do so.

& we were happy. We were happy for the rain to stop. the sun to be high above us, the blue skies.

The sound of birds, the secludedness, the fact that we had each other.

We ate some delicious peanut butter raisin oatmeal. got some more water, packed & cleaned & dried what we could, put on our heavy packs & crossed our first stream!  Crossing streams with over 25% our body  weight on our backs was scary, hard & fun at the same time.  It was a hassle because we crossed the first stream without our boots on (put on our water shoes) to make sure we had dry feet for the day. So after the first crossing which we were aware of we put out boots on to be met by a stream a few minutes away. This was a stream that was going to get our feet wet no matter which route we took. It would be a hassle to take off our heavy packs, boots and replace with our water shoes just to put our boots back on in a minute or so. But we both agreed we would like to have dry feet & made that decision. So we crossed. Its always a puzzle crossing the rivers. & it seems the more you do it the more you understand it.

The easier it becomes. That was the last time we had to take off our boots during a hike. We preceded to hike for hours that day passing only one ma who was day hiking (running) a trail. Besides him we didn’t see another soul for over 24 hours.

& that was special.

The terrain changes every hour or so; the smells, trees, & atmosphere is constantly different. It was a treat to tread with the constant sounds of water soaring down the crevices of the mountain.

We finally arrive, campsite 30. & I lied. We did have to take our boots off to cross but camp was right there & didn’t have to exert the energy to put them back on. It’s interesting looking back because when we first approached our site that day exhausted, excited & anxious to set up.  We had to spend a few minutes figuring the best way to cross the stream that separated us from the site. It seemed daunting. The water seemed high from the night before & it was moving awfully fast. The rocks were slimy & not as solid as before & there was the remnants of a large cable rope that appeared to be a previously used hand rail to help cross, that was now beat up & across the ground on the other side of the stream.

Needless to say we successfully crossed & landed on an island of our own paradise. We both had large exhausted smiles on our faces as we surveyed the land to choose how we were going to inhabit it all by ourselves! It was a freeing moment,one of my favorite times from the journey. & after our first night of learning about preparedness we set  up came like we will always set up camp. We have it down now, every little angle to make sure our gear & us stay dry. We enjoyed our night and headed to sleep. No rain tonight & not as many bear noises. Yet I started to realize that These so called “distractions” weren’t distractions at all. My mind was the distraction. I was just learning how to change that. How to be in the moment. I have learned alt about the earth, myself, my beautiful woman & my mind. & it was wonderful.

Waking up from a better nights sleep. With a much easier tear down we were in for the longest hike yet. Over 10 miles long. Knowing what we know now, we would have stayed another night a that campsite #30 for a few reasons. our bodies were exhausted & could use a chill day & it was an amazing place to be. you could yell at the top of your lungs & no one would hear you. Except the bears! That thought which was once frightening to me was now everything that  made me like it so much. I truly felt free from it all. But it was time to move on. SO we left. Crossed the stream that once took us a few minutes to figure out in seconds. Not only that we both looked at it as we were leaving laughing at how we thought it was hard before we preceded on. Sure & unaware on how tough the terrain was going to be for the next 10 hours. It was hard & down right scary. one slip down the slippery path could land you a few thousand feet fall down the mountain.

It rained a lot & we kept pushing down the Roughcreek Trail.

I know now why they call it that. Hehe. It was a constant battle straight up and down the endless path.  But we kept on trucking motivating each other when needed.  We crossed a few more streams til we reached the last one in which it looked like we had to take off our boots,  neither of us wanted to do so.  So what I did was  grab a few big rocks and threw them in the stream at the places that looked too deep without them.  And it worked! I successfully bridged the gap, Ilona was proud of me.  It made me feel strong and smart.  I smiled. Exhausted we now knew it was our last 4.5 mile stretch and we had to be careful because there were no more streams til the end and had to use water sparingly. We continued to hike what seemed like and eternity, now in pain and finally… We made to Mount Collins Shelter.  We shared the space with two families.  After our last night of sleep we enjoyed a sunny morning experiencing a beautiful moment, in which the light was perfectly falling through the trees. With no camera in hand we absorbed such beauty with our eyes and I will probably remember that picture in my head for the rest of my life! We slowly got our things together for our last hike. 3.5 miles.  Seemed like it should be a breeze.  But it was Hard. Very HARD.  Our bodies and minds were worn down and ready to relax. But it was all worth it.  We made it safely to Clingmans dome, walked up the structure proudly together.

And laughed at the tourists who were huffing and puffing at the half a mile hike they had to endure.  Our 25 miles were ours and we were so proud.  Still am. Can’t wait to do it again. I couldn’t have done it without her…

For my buddy Matthew!

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